You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just forgot I was standing up.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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