Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
