life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
