It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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