Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
