My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
