I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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