I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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