I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
