were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
