I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Randomize
