threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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