ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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