so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
