He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
