Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
