how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
