i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
