On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
