Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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