I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
