Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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