If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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