The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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