Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
