before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
