I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
