Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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