I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
