I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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