Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
