I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
