I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
