Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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