No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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