New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
