I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
