i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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