Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
