if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
