He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
zippers are such a cool invention
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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