The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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