this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
