I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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