Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
