I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
