Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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