I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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