We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
