My friends, they love my intelligence
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
