just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
