Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
