I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
