I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
