I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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