we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
