my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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